Sulayman’s Stories

Shaykh Abdul Hakim Murad has a blog of Contentions. They’re one-liners and quite deep. Others have tried the same, like Haroon Moghul. I decided to try making some of my own.

 

1. It was never a War on Terror, more like a War on Some Terror

2. Terrorism is a tactic, trying to fight it is like a War on Ambushes

3. If you want good egg salad done right, you have to make it yourself

4. Algeria, Egypt, Iraq, Oman, UAE, and sometimes Yemen

5. We aren’t really a “free” country. A truly free country would be called Anarchy, and I wouldn’t want to live there.

6. If the phrase “Islamic crime” is an impossible oxymoron, then why does the phrase “Islamic terrorism” go unchallenged?

7. There are three things I’m fiercely loyal to; my religion, my family, and my choice of Operating System

8. An amateur built the Ark.

9. Things happen for a reason. Santiago Ramon y Cajal, Nobel Prize Winner in Medicine, failed his first two jobs in barbering and shoemaking, and medicine was his fallback career his father got him into.

10. One million New Yorkers have quit smoking. That’s 1 in 10, and you can do it too.

11. Israel and Pakistan are like cousins that have similar roots; founded nearly the same time on the basis of religion and as a homeland of refuge. And yet like relatives, they hate each other.

12. Throughout the world, lawyers have been the movers and shakers of history, founding new countries and making revolutions. In America, it’s the doctors that do that; 5 signed the declaration of independence.

13. If you need a Cliff’s Notes summary of the 1980’s, watch Back to the Future, Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, and Wargames.

14. The Russians made Chess a required class in school. Rather than do that, America needs to add Critical Thinking and Ethics as required high school classes.

15. It’s hard to take critics of the Muslim world seriously when they don’t even know what a lota is, much less use one.

16. The meek shall no longer inherit, so long as the media covers the loudmouths instead.

17. Fads never last. Radio stations played Macarena every 15 minutes, and people begged for more.

18. Be like Atticus, the same integrity in private as in public

19. Les Miserables is an awesome book after page 600. Maybe the author made the first half boring to get rid of the riffraff.

20. Don’t train your kids to say outrageous stuff as a baby. Sure, it’s funny at family gatherings, but that’s how Ann Coulter got her start.

21. Becoming a doctor is a great childhood dream. That and being a ghostbuster.

22. If your parents are a different religion than you, then having a last will is necessary.

23. You know you’re truly in New York when the baseball stadium sells sushi

24. Are fortune cookies Halal?

25. New York milk tastes the best, maybe it’s something in the cows

26. If alcohol was so much fun, there wouldn’t be any need to advertise it so heavily

27. Let’s do some organic chemistry; my fist is the nucleophile, your teeth are the leaving group, and I’m going to do a SN2 reaction

28. NYU is charging $50,000 and 2 years of my time to add 3 letters to my name

29. Why are crocodile-skin shoes made in Italy? I thought crocs were only in Egypt or Florida

30. Twitter is going to trigger a panic; the false 2004 rumor about HIV in ketchup is circulating from a few hours ago

31. Robocop would have been much funnier with a mustache.

32. Months later, I still watch the news and realize “Dude, the presidents middle name is Hussein. Isn’t that awesome?”

33. Patrick Bateman inspires me to clean my apartment.

34. Never get sick and go to a teaching hospital in July (all the fresh graduates from med school begin)

35. Guantanamo’s slogan “Honor Bound to Defend Freedom” is about as hollow as Auschwitz’s “Arbeit Macht Frei”

36. Hitting page 1200 in a textbook is like hiking to the top of a mountain.

37. Being proud of your ancestry is one thing, living up to it is another.

38. Usenet (remember Usenet?) used to be like Twitter…The Web used to be this way too…Twitter’s time will come. Just wait.

39. Objectivism is to objectivity as Scientology is to science

40. When you use a credit card in a taxi, keep in mind that $1 goes to the CC company, plus a commission. I recommend tipping $1 extra to help the cabbies.

41. If you go to a Bengali-Arab wedding, wear a suit

42. Islam continues to impress me; so intricate. What other religion encourages you to brush your teeth?

43. Philly is a fascinating place; like a black version of Boston, or more like Albany with less white people

44. Seder and Seyonce sound the same, don’t blame me for confusing them.

45. Six years in the service sector retail will be enough to make you start to hate the public.

46. Meclizine, a pill to treat vertigo, motion sickess, and dizziness, may cause dizziness. Self-perpetuating.

47. When people say “no homo,” I think of Tobias from Arrested Development

48. Subway booth attendants are a nasty bunch, would it kill them to smile?

49. You too can build your own Soxhlet extractor, and bend the rules of thermodynamics yourself

50. Why does every teacher I get a crush on turn out to have horrible teaching skills as the semester progresses?

51. Studying organic chemistry is like listening to Vogon poetry

52. Is it just me or does Tim Geithner remind me of the villain from Billy Madison?

53. People don’t realize the luxuries people have in America; you can safely drink the water in the shower

54. Keep your friends close and your enemies on Limited Profile

55. Slapping someone across the face with an iPhone is so bourgeois.

56. If you want really vivid dreams, take malaria pills and marvel at their side effects.

57. Fighting on facebook is like fighting on a school playground; you win or lose in front of everyone and your friends can get drawn into it when you don’t want them to.

58. Sometimes the only way to cope with the injustices in this bizarro universe is through comedy. The Daily Show is a Godsend sometimes.

59. Muslim organizations need to rethink scheduling their conventions for Easter, 4th of July, and Christmas, when everyone has work or school off. It really inconveniences people of mixed families

60. If you’re wondering why you’re always so tired, maybe its because iced teas are strongly caffeinated

61. Oil companies make billions in revenue from pumping oil resources out of the poorest populations, but those same people only got half that money back in aid

62. Sufis get respect from me for dressing like something out of a history book

63. You don’t realize you’re a lonely bachelor until you find yourself sewing your pants at 2am in your apartment. 

64. Bobby Jindall is like a brown John Edwards with an accent like Kenneth the Page from 30 Rock

65. Now that Slumdog won, can someone tell me what Jai Ho means?

66. I think I’ll find the girl of my dreams at a university protest; someone smart and passionate about Social Justice

67. I feel like Harry Potter sometimes; All the other Muslims seem to know sahaba stories and words I never grew up with

68. Somewhere out there is a guy in a straitjacket muttering to himself, “It’s not lupus”

69. I’m not sure what’s more unhealthy and decadent; baconnaise or a dating website for married people who want to have a secret affair

70. When your friend needs to buy a mattress, don’t go into the showroom together; people will assume you’re a couple.

71. Everyone should learn how to swim.

72. Orange soda somehow magnifies the effect of spice and makes curry burn a lot more

73. Braveheart is still an incredible movie. If they could make a movie about Scots and Muslims I would camp out in front of the theater to watch it

74. I’ve been waiting for a “normal” day since last year. Will that day ever come?

75. One day, the Ferguson name will be as mighty in the Muslim world as the name Khan is today

76. Be weary of who you give money to on the street. If he’s not homeless, you’d better beat it quick.

77. I wonder how many calories you burn when your hair grows

78. The one time I don’t look both ways on a one-way street, I nearly get hit by a car traveling in reverse.

79. Why is cheese delicious on Italian food, but disgusting on most other ethnic foods?

80. At every presidential inauguration, the vice president gets sworn in first. For 15 minutes, Joe Biden was Bush’s VP

81. People react poorly when I say I was a Politics major. The look on their face is like I majored in Corruption

82. By my calculations, I could take on 14 five-year-old kids in a fight before they overpower me as a swarm.

83. Israel reminds me of a teenager’s mindset; everyone’s against me, I feel so unpopular, and it’s never my fault when something goes wrong.

84. I have a theory why Jews traditionally drifted to the political left in American politics, because the right was so anti-semitic and still is. I see Muslims trending the same now

85. Trying to learn in a class during winter break is like trying to take a drink out of a fire hose

86. Photoshopping yourself into another ethnicity will give you nightmares

87. Winning or losing is not the most important thing of a war. God judges people by their conduct and whether they obeyed His rules.

88. Sabr (patience) is truly one of the hardest things to do, and consequently it’s one of the best good deeds.

89. I wonder how many people have been killed by letter-openers

90. There just has to be a Halal Arby’s somewhere in the world, and I will find it

91. Nothing says I Love You like an xmas gift from the dollar store.

92. There’s something subtly racist about Newsweek translating Arabic words except for “Allah .” It makes people think Allah is different than God. Do they translate Spanish speeches except for “Dios?”

93. I don’t understand the phrase “See you in Hell.” You mean you’ll be looking down upon them suffering or you’ll meet them there?

94. Are emoticons halal?

95. Saying you’re an epidemiologist sounds way cooler at a party than saying you’re a doctor. Gotta be the extra syllables.

96. Muslims are like X-Men. There’s good ones and bad ones and they fight each other, but the normal people fear/hate em all

97. Do NOT pat people on the back if they are choking, it usually makes the food go further down

98. For once I’d like to read about an Islamic group in the newspaper without reading the word “radical” or “extremist” in it. Thousands of them out there and they all go ignored.

99. I’d feel weird if I was Obama, the White House was built by slaves

100. We will never have a president named Bruce. Yelling his name will sound like Booing him

101. If I can find a woman who cries during all the same movies I do, like The Message and Lion of the Desert, I’ll propose to her

102. The word “Behold!” needs to be used more often in conversation.

103. 37,000 people in the US die each year from the flu. We oughta focus more money on that than terrorism.

104. I hate when people ask “does it wash off?” Of course, it’s facepaint. No I am going to permanently mark your child to look like a cat.

105. It’s very hard to keep halal at an Italian restaurant. The foods either have wine or meat sauce.

106. If you ever want proof that racism is still alive and well, check YouTube; the best source of raw stupidity is their comments section.

107. Public health is to medicine what macroeconomics is to microeconomics

108. In 2004 I said it will only get worse from here. In 2008 I realized I wasn’t that imaginative to predict how bad things actually got.

109. Take a shower in Peshawar.

110. I’m majoring in something I can’t describe in a single sentence. I think I’m scared.

111. Theres something I cant describe: fasting for a day and then breaking that fast with a sweet, sweet Date

112. There should be a law against losing your job on a Friday; you spend all weekend wallowing.

113. Why have the hardest interviews with politicians been from comedians?

114. Irony is when the Professor starts a lecture on racism and when a black man walks in during it, she says “Oh are you here to fix the projector?”

115. Barack Obama could hold a rally of hundreds of thousands of people and Fox News would whine about how he’s destroying the grass

116. Stacking your 4 years of textbooks to a pile taller than you really makes you feel accomplished.

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~ by Sulayman on June 6, 2009.